A Notice of Public Record · Est. This Very Wedding Season
MARRY MY NIECE
Being an Earnest & Entirely Serious Announcement Regarding One Exceptionally Eligible Young Lady
To whom it may concern: this broadside was commissioned by her uncle (also, as it happens, her officiant) following a joke that spiraled well past the point of good sense. All parties insist it is made with the fullest affection and is not, strictly speaking, a real matchmaking service. Read on regardless — the dowries are quite competitive.
HER LIKENESS
Photo 1
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AI facsímile. No nieces were harmed in the making of this image.
Photo 2
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AI facsímile. No nieces were harmed in the making of this image.
Photo 3
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AI facsímile. No nieces were harmed in the making of this image.
HER MANY VIRTUES
- Possesses a wit sharp enough to keep any household lively
- A steady hand in the kitchen and an even steadier one at cards
- Beloved by all who meet her, feared by none but the truly foolish
- Known to laugh generously and often, especially at her uncle's expense
- Comes from hearty, good-humored stock (see: this website)
- Radiant of spirit, admirable of character, and — as of this writing — already spoken for
ARRANGE AN INTRODUCTION
Serious inquiries, admirers of good humor, and confused wedding guests alike are cordially invited to reach out. We will happily arrange an introduction, a chaperoned stroll, or simply a good story to tell at the reception.
Request an Introduction →PROPOSAL PACKAGES
The Humble Beginnings Package
2 cows · 1 sheep · 1 mule
- A wife who will cook and clean twice weekly
- Basic conversation over dinner, weather permitting
- One (1) firm handshake to seal the arrangement
The Two Acres & a Barn Package
2 acres · 1 barn · 10% of the crop yield
- Everything in the Humble Beginnings Package
- Cooking and cleaning, upgraded to a proper schedule
- Hugs and kisses on birthdays, guaranteed
- A smile with your morning coffee, every single day
The Prized Bull & Full Harvest Package
1 prize bull · 5 acres · full harvest share
- Everything in the Two Acres & a Barn Package
- Weekly game nights, and she will let you win sometimes
- A genuinely excellent playlist for long drives
- Unwavering loyalty and top-tier trash talk in equal measure
The Whole Dang Farm Package
The entire farm, deed included, no take-backs
- Everything in the Prized Bull & Full Harvest Package
- Full membership in the family, jokes and all
- A best friend, co-conspirator, and occasional partner in crime
- One (1) uncle, included at no extra charge, whether you want him or not